Be a scofflaw and it’s off to jail…with no chance of parole
DRIVER'S S
IDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour
A lot of things make me sick — rancid chili, memories of my ex-wife, and overt breakers of traffic laws. I’m equally sick of the excuse that “we don’t have enough jail space to house lawbreakers.” Apparently this philosophy is allowed to prevail because it’s alleged we don’t have enough money to build jails. No? But we do have enough money to fund bridges that go nowhere, foreign aid to those we owe trillions to and payoffs to third-world dictators for overfly and drive-through rites of their various countries.
Think how nice it would be to drive down highways that are almost completely void of drunk drivers who are potential killers of your family members, or those who give you plenty of warning of turning intent because they always use their turn signals or even those highway optometrists who do all they can to help preserve your eyesight by not shining bright lights in your eyes in the middle of a black night. And how would these possibilities reach fruition? Easy; the people who ignore these courtesies and laws are in prisons throughout the width and breadth of this great land. And how should this utopia come about?
When the sainted Franklin Delano Roosevelt (I called him “Frankie D”) became president there were a lot of unemployed folks thanks to the perils of the Great Depression. Frankie D created a series of public works projects like WPA and the Civilian Conservation Corps to build up, and repair our crumbling infrastructure. While not in a full-blown depression we are in horrendous financial plight so whoever is president should develop a similar program to build prisons to house those non-violent but aggravating lawbreakers of traffic laws. You know who they are; they don’t use turn signals, they try to pass on the right; they clog up the left lane with under-speed driving, gravel-hauling trucks that bombard innocent windshields, etc. Let’s take one scofflaw and stick with him, shall we?
Let’s say this guy’s name is Peggy. He was once attacked by a turn signal lever when he was a young boy and consequently does not have any intention of using his signals…ever! Forget that turn signal laws are on the books in all 50 states (or 57, depending on your knowledge of U. S. history). I’m not advocating that Peggy be sentenced to prison for a first-time offense – or even a second offense.
That’s why they have industrial cigar cutters. In other words, the first time Peggy blatantly ignores using his turn signals the arresting officer 
has the authorization to snip Peggy’s middle finger on his non-writing hand. For the second offense he’s going to lose his right thumb; and for offense #3 onward he’ll serve time in a minimum-security prison for six years. There will be no time off for good behavior and there will be no television privileges. The inmates will be subjected to 11 hours daily of turn signal-oriented driving school.
has the authorization to snip Peggy’s middle finger on his non-writing hand. For the second offense he’s going to lose his right thumb; and for offense #3 onward he’ll serve time in a minimum-security prison for six years. There will be no time off for good behavior and there will be no television privileges. The inmates will be subjected to 11 hours daily of turn signal-oriented driving school. Six hours of it will be classroom and five hours will be using the turn signal simulator. Upon serving his sentence Peggy will then spend the next three years in a half-way house comprised of discharged inmates from turn signal prison, speeders academy and fast-lane cloggers.
If for some reason Peggy should fall off the wagon and get arrested for the same offense the second term and afterlife will be doubled. And finally, should there be a third incident Peggy’s family will be shipped to Africa to a Scofflaw Family Retreat in Darfur. Meanwhile, Peggy will be shipped to Bikini Atoll, site of post-World War II H-Bomb tests and deposited with a nine-roll pack of Charmin Ultra and a tin of cockroaches. There are other insects to eat on the island but because of the nuclear fallout the ants alone are six times Peggy’s height.
I’ve put a slight exaggeration to the content of this story to throw water on the cries of those who say we don’t have enough jail cells and holding facilities to house those who break our laws. That’s bunk. We have millions of uninhabited lands throughout North American that could easily spare a few dozen acres to build jails to get lawbreakers off the streets.
We’ve gone from being a nation of laws to a nation wondering what that stalk is on the left side of the steering wheel. Obviously someone who repeatedly violates the turn signal law shouldn’t be executed. But I offer this solution; if someone is arrested five times or more for the same “failure to use turn signals” violation then he (or she) should be dipped in ice water, tied naked to a concrete slab and have hot bacon grease from Krogers Best poured into their belly-button. To quote the lyrics from a long-ago Sam Cooke song, if my ideas were adhered to, “What a wonderful world this would be.”
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