DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour   

As most of my readers know I have the opportunity to drive dozens of different vehicles a year. Some are practical sedans and crossovers and others are rich boy toys. But most of them have one thing in common — an analog speedometer.

I don’t care how long you’ve been a member of Mensa, it’s still going to take several milliseconds for your brain to process what your eyes are seeing. As you look at the speedometer dial you’re asking yourself if that needle’s on 75 or 76. Doesn’t sound like much of a difference, does it?

DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  

I’ve covered this topic before so to my regular readers I apologize for mowing the same lawn. For my multitude of new readers whom I’ve deluded myself into thinking I have the following will provide you with some “thinkin material.”

DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour   

You don’t need a very large hard drive to recall that I hate people who don’t use their turn signals more than I hate life itself. Everytime I have to slow up for some rectum to come to almost a full stop and then make a right-hand turn — without benefit of turn signal — I just want to see that miscreant strung up by piano wire to a flagpole.

DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  

The number of adjustable items in the average car has almost kept pace with the proliferation of cupholders. Currently it’s possible to adjust brake pedal height, headrests, shoulder belt angle, ride and handling and inside and outside mirrors. This doesn’t even count power seats which have what seems like 600 different positions.

DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  

Because I have “run the board” and been to all 50 states thanks to my “storied” career, I have had the opportunity to drive on all types of road surfaces and experience them throughout a multitude of weather conditions. Sometimes I’ve driven through 115-degree heat, other times it’s been in minus 80-degree chill factors.

DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour   

As most of you know I usually go somewhere every week to test new vehicles. The majority of these tests take place in hilly and mountainous areas where there are the inevitable twisty, switchback roads. I hate them more than I hate life itself.

I have peripheral vision like a frog and can damn near see a 180-degree arc. Consequently, when the vehicle I’m in jerks back and forth because of constant steering changes I notice it big-time and more times than not I become nauseous — seldom to the point of chewing my cud like a cow but generally to the edge of discomfort.

DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour 

Car manufactures throughout the world often develop some great innovations that keep their customers happy. I’m not talking about massaging seats or even glove boxes with a cooling function to keep your pop cold (or “soda” if you are an Eastern, elite snob). I’m referring to the neatest technology since turn signals, anti-lock brakes and blind spot information systems — redundant controls located on steering wheels.

DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  

I was reading the recent edition of Consumer Reports and as it turned out it was their annual car issue. In it was a sidebar of features they love and loathe. Among those they hated was something I hadn’t realized I hated as well until I read it; “car audio systems without knobs for volume and tuning.”

DRIVER'S SIDE DIATRIBE
By Al Vinikour  

Most everyone over a certain age loves to reflect on how great the good old days were. There were no terrorists, no economic crises and our eventual demise wouldn't take place for decades, which back then, taking into account inflation, was the equivalent of centuries and centuries of the good life. The only thing we had to fear (besides fear itself) was the Red Menace and who cared if the Russkies flew over the North Pole and dropped an atomic bomb?